19.08.20 Pt 1 – If you are a Virgo, are you better at harvesting ‘night energy’ by closing your eyes for 8 hours or so… if only we had five letters to describe that process? Do we need to cater for luddites on Zoom? Tracy Chapman says “forgive me” – I don’t do technology. Don’t tell your parents you have WAP at your house, the meaning’s changed.

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18.08.20 Pt 2 – They’re going woohoo in Wuhan, how do we feel about this? Please don’t shame your work colleagues who have let themselves go in lockdown… rather ring a shame bell – it’s the right level of cruelty without being a monster. The lead singer’s girlfriend is not your friend, write that down. And aligning chakras is not to be taken seriously.

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18.08.20 Pt 1 – Fellow South Africans, not to worry, NDZ didn’t do anything. She was a victim of ‘the machine’, plus she was married to Jacob – so there’s that. Should you be shallow or do people’s personalities mean anything in the year of our lord, Instagram 2020. If you die, do you want a eulogy, or just a quick ice cold goodbye. He lived, he died… the end.

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17.08.20 Pt 2 – William and his wife might run out of money soon, how will a poor Prince live? Are pandemics a hotspot for Tinder trolls? Education pays, they say, NSFAS in particular. If you are going to travel, don’t take a boat to Greece, they’re not taking visitors right now.

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17.08.20 Pt 1 – Should we ban the booze benders in South Africa? What do you do if your neighbour’s nipples are on display for all to see, like Grace Kelly in Rear Window? Politicians wouldn’t dick around if they had less room for corruption. Lockdown friends are best if they are rich… and not a serial killer.

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14.08.20 Pt 2 – Level 2 is on the way, but it comes with a few creases. If we’re going to be out in public, maybe dancing girls in nightclubs have the solution. Is there anything as cold as a whore’s heart? Only methheads don’t answer calls… put the pipe down and pick up the phone! Irony is when a drunkard bans drinking. ‘Sibongile Money’ is not smart enough to be a criminal.

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14.08.20 Pt 1 – Charles was once married to a princess who was liked by people, that was no good… you can get a mug with them on there though. Should people augment their looks, or should they age naturally? There’s a new chief of YouTube, he sings badly, but he’s a chief. Is your cock down because of lockdown?

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Is the Western Cape’s independence a realistic goal? Is the will of the majority important in democracy? Should South Africans be worried about South Africa’s march towards policies resembling other countries who believe in centralisation? Will skittish foreign investment return after lockdown-induced investment moratoriums? The economic pain of lockdown is still coming, but just how bad will it be for ordinary citizens? Joe Biden has his accuser on his running ticket now… what say the voters? Brought to you by Nando’s.

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13.08.20 Pt 2 – Brexit has a cousin and this cousin comes with good weather, wine and a mountain. If you have an iPhone you can now determine where your data goes, including which tech giants can crawl up your rear orifice to exploit you. The big money backs the democrats in the USA, is this good news for ‘the home of the brave’?

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13.08.20 Pt 1 – The prayer of the devil exists only in the man who runs when he’s not being chased. Are chakras real, because maybe the seasons affect how you should live your life? Is South Africa against being protected by its protector? Does the President wear slippers while he tells you, you can’t do yoga in a botanical garden? And is Ellen worthy of being a mentor?

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